I am not sure about you, but I have seen this phrase plastered on everything from coffee mugs to tee shirts to throw pillows and blankets for as long as I can remember. It is probably on 35% of the merchandise Hobby Lobby sells. I have almost certainly used it as an Instagram caption at least once. Perhaps because of the phrase’s popularity, it has been front of mind for me this week. (Although when I dug into it I found that in scripture it is actually written “But even if he does not rescue us, we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up. Daniel 3:18, CSB” but I digress.)

My family is exiting a season of not. That is, we specifically, boldly, and expectantly prayed for God to bring us “green pastures and still waters” in 2022, declaring we would trust Him in the “if not”. And He said no.

Without doubt, we experienced many wins in 2022. Our marriage is healthier, our relationships are deeper, our kids have become closer to one another. And yet, not even the most optimistic among us (it’s me, hi) would be able to honestly use “green” or “still” as accurate descriptions of the past 12 months.

The middle felt hard. I knew it was hard, but it was our only reality. It is unhelpful to compare to ourselves with peers. If we compare up we feel inadequate, forgotten, unworthy. If we compare down we feel pity and guilt. So in black and white, without looking anywhere else, here is a glimpse of that reality I spoke of. We had 2 children, ages 1 and 2. We both work full-time jobs. Our youngest son was in the hospital 4 times. That son also had therapy 7 times per week for a 4 month period. Eventually it became more manageable, with only 4 therapy sessions per week. Aside from his 4 therapists, we were also referred to 2 new specialists. Every member of our family lives in a different state. We struggled to keep up with commitments because we were simply doing our best not to drown for much of the year, and the rest of the year we were treading water at best which left us with no extra energy.

Please do not feel badly for us. We have resources and family and friends who have supported us and shared our burdens. And, I believe, objectively, that last year was hard. I am inclined to think you will agree.

So what is the point of this public reflection? Encouragement and transparency, I suppose.

We did not receive what we asked of the Lord in 2022. We are asking again in 2023. If my children asked me for a gift and I once told them no, how heartbroken would I be if they never asked again? Maybe the answer is not yet. Or maybe it is just a no. No matter, we have hope and we will keep asking.

What if the answer remains no? What if our next several years are filled with deductibles met in Q1, health struggles for ourselves or our children, or, as I have come to describe it between friends, juggling 5 balls which are all made of glass, waiting to see which will hit the ground and shatter first? Then, I suppose we will continue to lean on each other, lean on our support system, lean on the Lord. We will keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. We will find joy in chaos. If we cannot find it we will create it, as we have done many times. We will honor our family and our situation with perspective that of course, many people have things much, much worse. We will honor the Lord by practicing bringing our lament to Him (an area in which I admittedly have been stretched).

I hope you read this far to receive the encouragement.

Friends, prepare your hearts for the “if not”. Do not say it if you do not mean it. And if you find yourself in that place, lean on this. I testify that He IS still good. He is still faithful. He is still here, with me and with you. Lean on Him. Lean on your friends.

All my love, gratitude, and sincerity,

SB